Blogging by Dee

This depression will not quit. Since last September it has been relentless. No combination of medications, lack of all medications, or single medications alone are working.  Therapy every week, sometimes multiple days in a week. I have a large list of natural "miracle cures" that I have tried, and may work for some people but haven't helped me.  Fish oil, essential oils, expensive MLM products like Zija and doTERRA. Yoga. And yes, prayers with my God through all of it. No relief, no breaks, no calm between storms.  I was already quite broken, but now I am shattering.  I cannot hold it together.  My psychiatrist has no idea what other medications to try. On my last visit we stopped more medications that didn't work and she asked me what I would like to be on? Huh? I said all I had researched were tricyclics and Wellbutrin alone.  Tricyclics, she said, are rarely used anymore and normally the patient gains a lot of weight very quickly. We went with Wellbutrin...

As if being overwhelmed by 9 months of relentless depression wasn't enough by itself, I am also dealing with the loss of support, care, and concern from friends.  When friends start to pull away, I notice, but with careful thought that they are dealing with their own issues, and too busy to think about me. I can deal with that.  I can continue to care for them, be concerned for them, and support them without reciprocation, for a time.  But after weeks turning to months, turning to years, I begin to let the truth set in. Something is so wrong with me that I cannot maintain healthy, supportive friendships.  That's a heavy weight. And a lonely weight. A solemn pondering that aches in my soul. I've tried for so long to tell myself that all of this isn't true, it can't be. I have so many friends, online, who've never met me, who don't actually know me. Oh. It hits me again, like a wall of bricks. Something is so wrong with me.  But wait, I know I need a lot of su...