10 months - no break

This depression will not quit. Since last September it has been relentless. No combination of medications, lack of all medications, or single medications alone are working.  Therapy every week, sometimes multiple days in a week. I have a large list of natural "miracle cures" that I have tried, and may work for some people but haven't helped me.  Fish oil, essential oils, expensive MLM products like Zija and doTERRA. Yoga. And yes, prayers with my God through all of it. No relief, no breaks, no calm between storms. 

I was already quite broken, but now I am shattering.  I cannot hold it together.  My psychiatrist has no idea what other medications to try. On my last visit we stopped more medications that didn't work and she asked me what I would like to be on? Huh? I said all I had researched were tricyclics and Wellbutrin alone.  Tricyclics, she said, are rarely used anymore and normally the patient gains a lot of weight very quickly. We went with Wellbutrin, which I've been on twice before, but never by itself without other antidepressants.  Nothing. No changes. No peace, no calm, no relief. She doesn't know what else to try.

My pain management dr is also at his wits' end.  Pain injections with cortisone and totadol lasted less than 24 hours, and pain injections with Botox, which were $400 each for over 20 injections... didn't  do a thing. He actually said, "I don't know what else to do with you."

My general practitioner has totally given up on me and I have an appointment to meet a new one at another place, in mid-August for their first available new patient opening.

I'm tired. I'm worn. I'm exhausted, really. 

A last resort option would be to try ECT shock therapy again, but I am nervous just typing it.  My heart is quickening it's pace and I don't think I could do it.  Although it is stated to be 95% effective for patients in which nothing else works, and it did seem to give me about 6 months of relief when I did it in 2011, it is so frightening to even consider. I lost almost all memory of 2011, and much of 2010.  My short-term memory is awful now as well, both from the ECT and the traumatic brain injury.  My brain is shot. I don't want to forget more of my children's lives.  I don't want to go twice a week for 6 weeks, with a driver, not knowing what is going on after each session as I am so out of it, and basically being a toddler needing help for everything during that entire 6 weeks. I don't know where else to turn.

I don't have the support I once had, as many friends have given up on me, or are afraid of me, or are just too busy with their own lives, I'm not sure. I don't have Facebook to share on because I've been told that I scare more people away by being open and honest about how I struggle.  Even though I only scratch the surface of my pain and struggles in what I choose to share. I've also been asked to remove FB posts by people who don't like things I've said.  Which just makes me question everything about myself even more. 

I'm so lost. I wake up and want to cry immediately. I don't want to be awake, I don't want to face the day, I have no joy, and little, if any, hope.

:(