Something's Wrong

As if being overwhelmed by 9 months of relentless depression wasn't enough by itself, I am also dealing with the loss of support, care, and concern from friends. 

When friends start to pull away, I notice, but with careful thought that they are dealing with their own issues, and too busy to think about me. I can deal with that.  I can continue to care for them, be concerned for them, and support them without reciprocation, for a time.  But after weeks turning to months, turning to years, I begin to let the truth set in. Something is so wrong with me that I cannot maintain healthy, supportive friendships. 

That's a heavy weight. And a lonely weight. A solemn pondering that aches in my soul.

I've tried for so long to tell myself that all of this isn't true, it can't be. I have so many friends, online, who've never met me, who don't actually know me. Oh. It hits me again, like a wall of bricks. Something is so wrong with me. 

But wait, I know I need a lot of support, I need care, I need concern, but I always give 5 times what I take. I don't want to be the needy friend, turning a friendship so off-balance that I'm left alone for lack of trying. But still I end up lonely. Knowing. Remembering. Something is so wrong with me.

We are all flawed, I tell myself. This is a good thing. We can see our need for others, for help, and even more in my mind, for a Savior. And God should be enough. And I have my family, what more should I care about? But again I think, I hear. Something is so wrong with me.

I open my heart, I bleed wholly, am transparent about my struggles, hoping to support others with similar needs, hoping to continue giving even if I cannot receive. But I just keep ending up realizing still, something is so wrong with me.

I continually fight the battles, try my best, do what I can, hoping one day I will win this war.  But the thought overwhelming me is still, something is so wrong with me. 

Something is so very wrong with me.