Blogging by Dee

My cold is done but my whole body still hurts everywhere. When I say everywhere, I mean: My feet, my toes joints and the tops of my feet My knees, especially the backs My upper legs, especially the front sides My hips, and lower back My mid back and rib cage, it is hard to breathe My shoulder blade area and upper shoulders My neck, my upper arms, my elbows, wrists and hands I wish my new doctor had listened to me and not just wanted to ship me off to an opioid clinic (see another reason why I want to be done taking Norco?) and thought all this is in my head. I’m feeling extremely fatigued today. I need a doctor who is in my corner to run some blood tests or something because this isn’t right.

5 infusions in 2 weeks. More than I expected and yet also well within normal as only 4 from the new place and 4-6 is average. Still, after receiving treatments for over 2 years it is a little surprising that my body is being so stubborn. Best point: Mood is great. I don’t feel silly or goofy but I feel good. This is what I need!!! HOORAY! This is the most important thing and what I was aiming for. If this is all I can get out of treatment, I’m good, so YIPPEE!! Weird: I still woke up in large amounts of pain in both hips and shoulders. Whether it is “all in my head” or something underlying, I don’t know. These joints do subluxate so I don’t think it’s completely in my head but I’m not going to rule it out of the realm of possibility at least somewhat after my experience at the end of treatment yesterday. Cold definitely hurts more so I took a warm bath which helped, after two sprays of ketamine earlier this morning (which almost knocked me loopy so one is probably good.) Now that...

130mg? over 40 minutes Well, we had to stop it again as I went to some place again that I thought Ketamine was a bad thing and D (from childhood) knew about it. I don’t remember why or how but just when I was there that it was bad. I yelled out HELP and I think my BP spiked. The monitors all went off and started beeping and this made me open my eyes and ground myself. I looked and saw the BP monitor said 188/118? and the machine wouldn’t stop beeping. It felt like it was triggering a memory but likely triggering a memory from just my previous dissociation last week that was so frightening. I calmed myself quickly and Nick came in. He noticed I had bent my arm and I needed to IV moved. I didn’t have much of the infusion left but he quickly moved the IV and I finished up. As I finished (he left and came back) he asked me how my pain was because today we were focusing on my pain. I think I said a 4? It sounds stupid because I shouldn’t have been in any pain. I then mumbled something I ...

My son sees numbers and people in various colors. I’m a shade of purple/blue (we’ll call me Periwinkle!) My husband is brown ha ha. I know I’m not the only one but I FEEL music. I feel it in my soul somewhere. I am picking out my playlist for my ketamine treatment at 4:30 and I remembered that when I was only partially “with it” during my last infusion, I was listening to a piano piece that was just so moving that I was moving! I realized at one point that my body was swaying, moving slightly forward and back, just feeling the music so deeply. There is one piece that many people play at weddings, and it is my favorite piece to ever play on the piano, “Canon in D” by Johan Pachelbel, that just adds and adds and builds so much emotion in it. I’ve always said if I ever play the piano again (it’s been years!) I would sit play Pachelbel’s Canon. I can see myself swaying into and away from the piano and just feeling every single note. It is both soothing and joyful, both calming and energi...

But I’m chalking it up to the cold. I went to the chiro this morning at 10, had a lymphatic drain massage at 12:30, am drinking all the water 😂, and just popped a Norco. Running a hot bath with Epsom salts. I think I am just a big ole pain wimp. My ankles hurt, my hips hurt, my ribs and  shoulder blades hurt, my neck hurts, and my wrists and elbows hurt.  At least no headache today, and I’m not obsessing over my dissociation experiences or upcoming ketamine tomorrow. I’m trusting the  process. I’ve enjoyed the sunshine when it has been around. I’ve enjoyed a few short walks, enjoyed a TON of tea with lemon and honey, and I’ve even begun working on my Happy Camper Minivan Conversion plan. Go me! I wrote this yesterday to a friend and to my mom: I am doing better. Not amazing but I booked an extra therapy session that helped me work through the dissociation which was SO helpful. A is good at helping people to interpret dreams and dissociative states (this was only my 3...

Some of this is super dull stuff that I am just keeping track of, so enjoy the boringness: Woke up twice in the night with this cold kicking my tail. Finally got up at 5am even tho I don’t have to be up until 7:30 to take Aubs to an appt. Made fresh ginger, turmeric, orange, clove, & cinnamon “tea” to try and help with inflammation and this headache. Trying to keep the cough that started from going into my chest. I think it is past due for my 5 yr pneumonia shot but since I switched doctors I think that got missed. Of course I remember once I’m sick. Ha! Can’t take anything this am since I am driving Aubs in a bit, but I will probably do Norco over the nasal spray this am for pain since it has been a couple of days on that, and I did the nasal spray last night. Lots of back pain and this headache that won’t quit. Mildly frustrated that I’m having so much pain even with the infusions. Is my tolerance just zero? I don’t enjoy being a tough case. 😕 Mostly I wanted to make sure...

I just woke up the middle of the night after my third infusion. The first thought that I had, it was a memory- that woke me up actually, which is really weird- was Nick asking if it was OK if he could remove the IV from my hand.  Triggered memory? He wanted to make sure I was ok with him holding my hand to do it. “Is is ok if I hold your hand?” Gotta think on that. Or not? I didn’t think anything of it then, I laughed, “of course.”  Thinking back, I REALIZE I’m thinking too hard, but I want so much for some sort of relief from this cloud, thinking back, I wonder if he learned to do that on purpose from the ketamine conference for patients like me with past trauma. Smart smart smart, I’m so grateful!  Then I went to journal it and it was at 1:17am. Weird. Ok I gotta get up and pee and I officially caught the cold I was trying to keep from getting. 8am I woke up to a full force cold. My husband getting a text from our daughter at a sleepover woke me ...

Well, I was hoping for a fantastic update. All hope is NOT lost, but I’m more than a bit down after today’s infusion. After the last infusion I had increased anxiety and today I feel increased depression (worried I can’t be “fixed” or go into remission after all.) From what I remember: 180mg over 90 min but: Nick had to stop it partway through as I said “I went there again” I was anxious and scared. I know I got grounded and changed my playlist to piano music. Since it was last-minute, it was just YouTube streaming which kept popping to the ad after every song so I’d get regrounded after each song to have to “skip the ad” and then go back to calming. I didn’t get scared again but never got to to calm. I definitely never got to anything close to euphoric. I keep having super high hopes and I’m just this type of person that usually tries not to get their hopes up too high because I know when I do and they get let down, I fall hard. Well, I really was hoping hard this is the answer...

I’m increasingly fearful of doing the Ketamine again. I did not enjoy the end of that experience and the anxiety that has been going on in my mind ever since has been heightened instead of decreased. I DO NOT think I am smarter than the majority of other people, so let me preface what I am saying by saying that, but I wish I wasn’t as intellectual as I am. I wish I could just live and not think so much and not care and be relaxed. That’s all I want. I don’t want my mind to consider alternate realities and alternate universes because it causes extreme fearfulness. I am fine to just be here on our little planet. I’m better to focus on the here and now and not the what if’s but my brain isn’t letting me just relax and be and it is exhausting.  I don’t care! Turn it off, turn it down! It’s all too loud and too scary and too dark out there. I just want to BE.  I noticed after my first non-sedated infusion that I felt my pain was increased but I had stopped taking my every-o...

200mg 60min This experience was a little bit different from my last one without sedation, as I had a friend sit in with me while I got my infusion. I know that while I start to focus my thoughts in the infusions, I say to myself one thing, “God.” This is what I have wanted to focus on in making my faith stronger. I’m wondering if I was trying too hard somehow and just thinking “GOD” somehow focused my brain on being a “god?” I have no idea. I’ve only been home for a little over an hour or so and my infusion started approximately three hours ago. So this is pretty much right after I am home and in bed and processing but not still in the office and “tripping.” Interesting point, my friend said that I kept saying “God” aloud when I thought I was just thinking it in my head. I guess in the office I had been yelling out for help a few times near the end and my friend said that I was OK but it was at the very end so that was a little different experience. I don’t completely remember...

Hey friends. I know many of you know my story but not all. I have struggled with treatment-resistant depression for years. What does that mean? It means traditional medication, natural remedies, and even shock therapy didn’t help me. We went through 42, yes we have a list of 42! different medications we tried for my mood. We traveled to Cleveland Clinic and Mayo Clinic, I’ve had genetic testing. Still, the depression wouldn’t lift. It wasn’t until I finally heard about ketamine infusion therapy about 3.5 years ago, that I started to think maybe there might be something new out there that could help. Still, ketamine wasn’t available near me and wasn’t covered by insurance. It still isn’t covered by any insurance carriers. I met someone whose life actually corresponded with mine and whose life was totally changed by ketamine though, and while he (Doug Meijer) had to travel to Detroit for infusions and pay himself, I thought this could be a possibility for me one day.  Finally just...