K3/ The After Party

I just woke up the middle of the night after my third infusion. The first thought that I had, it was a memory- that woke me up actually, which is really weird- was Nick asking if it was OK if he could remove the IV from my hand. 

Triggered memory? He wanted to make sure I was ok with him holding my hand to do it.

“Is is ok if I hold your hand?”

Gotta think on that. Or not?

I didn’t think anything of it then, I laughed, “of course.”  Thinking back, I REALIZE I’m thinking too hard, but I want so much for some sort of relief from this cloud, thinking back, I wonder if he learned to do that on purpose from the ketamine conference for patients like me with past trauma. Smart smart smart, I’m so grateful! 

Then I went to journal it and it was at 1:17am. Weird.

Ok I gotta get up and pee and I officially caught the cold I was trying to keep from getting.

8am

I woke up to a full force cold. My husband getting a text from our daughter at a sleepover woke me up. I got up to try to make some elderberry syrup to combat this cold, but as I was getting out of bed, I heard the birds chirping and I thought how pretty they sounded. I’m afraid to be hopeful anything is working.

In the kitchen the sun is just rising and I can hear the birds too. I like the sun and it feels and looks beautiful. It makes me want to have coffee and be camping. Even though I don’t drink coffee regularly, a hot cup of coffee seems perfect for this. I’m still afraid to hope that it is working. The cold is kicking my tail. I’ve stayed healthy this entire flu season and even with my elderberry/zinc stuff, I got it this time. I really don’t like colds but the sun feels good. Once the mixture simmers long enough I think I will go take a warm bath.  

I still feel like I am not communicating well, both in receiving and sending. Obviously not from a lack from trying but again, have I started to try way too hard at everything? All of this is new since May, and thankfully the ketamine without sedation has at points, seemed to ease it, but I wonder how much either it or the other medications I was given in conjunction with it over the past 2 years have affected my brain long-term. More anxious about this than I like admitting. I even feel like my writing now has a stilted feel instead of a flow. This I am NOT worried about but I am noticing.

Ok the sun feels nice and I decided on tea. I’m going to go see how a warm bath feels.

9:45am update. I think I’m going to be okay. Why am I afraid to be hopeful?
And this, because I find science fascinating:
https://www.knowablemagazine.org/article/mind/2019/listening-ketamine

10am one sniff per nostril of the nasal spray. Forgot to shake it first so I’m not sure I got much, but didn’t want to re-dose and get too much.

12:45m
Feeling hopeful still. The cold is hitting me HARD. Cold always do. Wipe me completely out (a “man” cold if I were a guy.) Maybe all the body aches this week were just fighting the cold so I’m writing everything down. My body definitely hurts though. This is where I wish I had a doctor that took my seriously right now. I have to get back on getting a new one. My therapist is working to help me with that as I only saw my new dr one time and she was not a good fit at all so that needs to be a priority as well as a new psychiatrist. My elbows and lower back are the most painful right now. I slept from 10pm-8am but I’m beat so I’m going to nap. I’m pretty much logging everything at this point to see if I the science can help us pinpoint anything.

Thankful I’m not having the anxiety about being lost in space anymore. I am cautiously hopeful that I’m over that...

5pm
It’s a cold. Just a cold. But beautiful Sunshine (real human being) reminded me to journal all the positive things I do each day.
Today I have:
Taken Bean for a walk.
Gone for a walk alone with a cup of tea.
Made homemade chicken noodle soup.
Made homemade bread to go with dinner.
Journaled.
Go me. 💜

7pm 2 sniffs per nostril of compounded ketamine. Tracking it.
Continuing to hope to better days.

8:45pm
Documenting pain for the ketamine relief.
Feels like a migraine coming on. Soreness continues in hips and lower back as well as elbows. Shoulders and neck are tight. Put cbd muscle rub on neck, shoulders, hips and back. I drank a ton of water today but am drinking more just in case. It would be nice to be able to take an ibuprofen. Drank 15ml liquid turmeric and some more black elderberry syrup for the cold.