Ketamine #4
130mg? over 40 minutes
Well, we had to stop it again as I went to some place again that I thought Ketamine was a bad thing and D (from childhood) knew about it. I don’t remember why or how but just when I was there that it was bad. I yelled out HELP and I think my BP spiked. The monitors all went off and started beeping and this made me open my eyes and ground myself. I looked and saw the BP monitor said 188/118? and the machine wouldn’t stop beeping. It felt like it was triggering a memory but likely triggering a memory from just my previous dissociation last week that was so frightening. I calmed myself quickly and Nick came in. He noticed I had bent my arm and I needed to IV moved. I didn’t have much of the infusion left but he quickly moved the IV and I finished up.
As I finished (he left and came back) he asked me how my pain was because today we were focusing on my pain. I think I said a 4? It sounds stupid because I shouldn’t have been in any pain. I then mumbled something I think about how that was a stupid question. Then I “came to” and Nick wasn’t in the room. Bear with me and try to get this from my perspective. He actually was in there and left but in my mind when I came to and he wasn’t in the room, I thought, “Oh wow, I just imagined all of that!” How wild and crazy is that?!? I thought, “Well phew, because I’m not feeling any pain right now. I must not have been fully back in my body yet, and thought I was feeling pain but I wasn’t. I will tell him this when he comes in.” So then he comes in to discharge me and I tell him all this and I expect him to laugh but he doesn’t. He said something about that really happening and me not being with it yet (I don’t remember exactly what he said and it bugs me that my memory is so bad still but oh well.) Then I start to feel a bit ashamed about all of this (which would be my normal reaction) but it fairly quickly subsides and I get goofy. Like silly goofy. I know it is just the ketamine so I don’t feel a bunch of shame over this either since Nick is a professional. I laughed most of the way home and have been HAPPY this evening. Mild nausea and just now at 9 starting to feel some shoulder pain (2-3) but that’s doable.
Funny how all 4 treatments had different outcomes right after
1. Relaxed
2. Afraid/anxious
3. Down/depressed
4. Silly/goofy
I haven’t hit the euphoria but I’ll take relaxed or goofy any day!
Well, we had to stop it again as I went to some place again that I thought Ketamine was a bad thing and D (from childhood) knew about it. I don’t remember why or how but just when I was there that it was bad. I yelled out HELP and I think my BP spiked. The monitors all went off and started beeping and this made me open my eyes and ground myself. I looked and saw the BP monitor said 188/118? and the machine wouldn’t stop beeping. It felt like it was triggering a memory but likely triggering a memory from just my previous dissociation last week that was so frightening. I calmed myself quickly and Nick came in. He noticed I had bent my arm and I needed to IV moved. I didn’t have much of the infusion left but he quickly moved the IV and I finished up.
As I finished (he left and came back) he asked me how my pain was because today we were focusing on my pain. I think I said a 4? It sounds stupid because I shouldn’t have been in any pain. I then mumbled something I think about how that was a stupid question. Then I “came to” and Nick wasn’t in the room. Bear with me and try to get this from my perspective. He actually was in there and left but in my mind when I came to and he wasn’t in the room, I thought, “Oh wow, I just imagined all of that!” How wild and crazy is that?!? I thought, “Well phew, because I’m not feeling any pain right now. I must not have been fully back in my body yet, and thought I was feeling pain but I wasn’t. I will tell him this when he comes in.” So then he comes in to discharge me and I tell him all this and I expect him to laugh but he doesn’t. He said something about that really happening and me not being with it yet (I don’t remember exactly what he said and it bugs me that my memory is so bad still but oh well.) Then I start to feel a bit ashamed about all of this (which would be my normal reaction) but it fairly quickly subsides and I get goofy. Like silly goofy. I know it is just the ketamine so I don’t feel a bunch of shame over this either since Nick is a professional. I laughed most of the way home and have been HAPPY this evening. Mild nausea and just now at 9 starting to feel some shoulder pain (2-3) but that’s doable.
Funny how all 4 treatments had different outcomes right after
1. Relaxed
2. Afraid/anxious
3. Down/depressed
4. Silly/goofy
I haven’t hit the euphoria but I’ll take relaxed or goofy any day!
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