Ketamine Day 2 Thursday Feb 20

200mg 60min

This experience was a little bit different from my last one without sedation, as I had a friend sit in with me while I got my infusion. I know that while I start to focus my thoughts in the infusions, I say to myself one thing, “God.” This is what I have wanted to focus on in making my faith stronger. I’m wondering if I was trying too hard somehow and just thinking “GOD” somehow focused my brain on being a “god?” I have no idea. I’ve only been home for a little over an hour or so and my infusion started approximately three hours ago.

So this is pretty much right after I am home and in bed and processing but not still in the office and “tripping.”

Interesting point, my friend said that I kept saying “God” aloud when I thought I was just thinking it in my head.

I guess in the office I had been yelling out for help a few times near the end and my friend said that I was OK but it was at the very end so that was a little different experience. I don’t completely remember yelling out loud for help just thinking it.

What I can remember from what was happening at the time, was that somehow everyone was part of the same universe and we were all just digital codes we were actual people and we had different make ups depending on our codes. We also had to know our address for how to get home and if we didn’t know our address we couldn’t get back home let’s just call that earth or even our normal reality. So somehow I had gotten popped out of my normal reality of what I see every day right now by doing the ketamine and I couldn’t get back into the reality of my every day life because I was just out in the universe way far away and I didn’t remember the address back.

somehow though, it wasn’t just the ketamine, it was luring away by

 (real life)

 D, a guy I liked when I was 14, and he was 19. We kissed few times and we said we were boyfriend/girlfriend but obviously my parents weren’t cool with it, and it didn’t last long,  and never even went past that. I remember (also real life since this is my journal), him driving once and him sticking half his body out of the car while driving down the freeway and it was super scary. I had no idea at the time why someone would do that. Perhaps he was trying to impress me. 

Back to dissociation:

For some reason D was the reason the ketamine lured me away and he knew the secret to the codes but I couldn’t remember and I didn’t even know how to ask him what the “address” (for lack of a better word) back to my reality was. He wasn’t holding me captive or anything. No one was. I was just lost in the black universe with tons of other digital codes of people who didn’t know their way back either. That’s why I yelled for help.

Thinking back this reminds me of another “trip“ that I had earlier in my ketamine infusions when I would have the low-dose (5mg) versed sedation, and I remember feeling that everyone was part of of a digital reality-grid-lifeform. It was somewhat scary that time at first too and then I got okay with it. This kind of mirrored back to that but then the life-forms at the end somehow fragmented off into their own little codes and did their own things and got lost. Fairly intense.

My husband says, “It’s like your brain refuses to just chill. It has to rationalize even when you’re tripping. It’s like you’re supposed to process and accept things but your brain is fighting it and wants to find the specific answer.”

I will likely go back and edit this so it makes more sense when I’m clear.