Ketamine #3
Well, I was hoping for a fantastic update.
All hope is NOT lost, but I’m more than a bit down after today’s infusion.
After the last infusion I had increased anxiety and today I feel increased depression (worried I can’t be “fixed” or go into remission after all.)
From what I remember:
180mg over 90 min but:
Nick had to stop it partway through as I said “I went there again”
I was anxious and scared.
I know I got grounded and changed my playlist to piano music. Since it was last-minute, it was just YouTube streaming which kept popping to the ad after every song so I’d get regrounded after each song to have to “skip the ad” and then go back to calming. I didn’t get scared again but never got to to calm. I definitely never got to anything close to euphoric. I keep having super high hopes and I’m just this type of person that usually tries not to get their hopes up too high because I know when I do and they get let down, I fall hard. Well, I really was hoping hard this is the answer or hoping today would be the fix and when the “trip” was over instead I was downtrodden and low. I kept crying on the way home and I have been super emotional ever since. Crying or even all-out sobbing.
I did get my compounded ketamine nasal spray today and was able to take a dose (1 spray per nostril) at 7:30 and felt mildly better but started crying again at 8 so I took the second spray per nostril at 8. It is 10pm now and I’ve been laying in bed listening to calming music for an hour and just sobbing so I decided to write.
I don’t want to be the hard case anymore. I don’t want to be the odd duck. I want to just be the easy case of anxiety who can take a 25mg Zoloft and be good to go. This sucks!! The dissociation is so scary and makes me so empathetic to anyone who has schizoaffetive disorder. I don’t know how anyone could take living with episodes like that regularly. What a terrible, horrible, feeling. My mind does NOT like to let go, I am learning, or to be out of control. While taking Norco in the past for pain has given me a relaxed state along with it - which I’ve been very open to my psychiatrist and pain clinic dr - were a great distraction, it is easy to see how someone could be addicted to that feeling or tolerate it easily. It is also why I’ve not wanted to ever up my dose past Norco to Percocet to even take Norco more than one day in a row. I know my body is dependent on it but I don’t want to be “addicted” because that calm feeling is definitely relaxing.
The ketamine the first time (140) gave me a relaxed feel so I’m guessing we will go back to that over a shorter duration, but it isn’t like I can live on the stuff. I was hoping it would be a handful of times tops and I’d be done. So far, while time is blurring a bit:
I got an infusion (120mg 45min w/5mg versed sedation) last week (2/11) from my old clinic
Infusions this week from the new clinic:
2/17 140 mg 45 min no sedation
2/20 200mg 60 min no sedation
2/22 180mg 90 min no sedation (tho this stretched to 2 hours because of my needing to re-ground.)
Not giving up hope. It is just a much longer journey than I had hoped and a scarier, harder, and costlier, one too which always weighs on me. I almost hate to write that because I know people are reading this and that’s not cry for help to anyone. This is just my journal. Please just let me be real. So read it and just know this is my writing everything out and leave it. Thanks. It’s all set. We’re a ok.
Nick called at 6:30 when I was home to see how I was doing. I forgot to mention that. Pretty amazing aftercare IMO. I know he’s working on changing up my care plan and while I don’t know exactly what that looks like right now, likely it will be a lower dose yet, and a 45-60 min infusion again to Target this renewed anxiety and need for control, sometime next week. I have an appt set for Thursday already. I don’t know if we will try to do one before then or not. It does help to write everything out at least.
I decided not to edit the other day’s journal and let it be as it is. I may add a disclaimer at the top that it is unedited and sounds out of it, but that’s it.
I want to sleep but my brain is afraid to.
All hope is NOT lost, but I’m more than a bit down after today’s infusion.
After the last infusion I had increased anxiety and today I feel increased depression (worried I can’t be “fixed” or go into remission after all.)
From what I remember:
180mg over 90 min but:
Nick had to stop it partway through as I said “I went there again”
I was anxious and scared.
I know I got grounded and changed my playlist to piano music. Since it was last-minute, it was just YouTube streaming which kept popping to the ad after every song so I’d get regrounded after each song to have to “skip the ad” and then go back to calming. I didn’t get scared again but never got to to calm. I definitely never got to anything close to euphoric. I keep having super high hopes and I’m just this type of person that usually tries not to get their hopes up too high because I know when I do and they get let down, I fall hard. Well, I really was hoping hard this is the answer or hoping today would be the fix and when the “trip” was over instead I was downtrodden and low. I kept crying on the way home and I have been super emotional ever since. Crying or even all-out sobbing.
I did get my compounded ketamine nasal spray today and was able to take a dose (1 spray per nostril) at 7:30 and felt mildly better but started crying again at 8 so I took the second spray per nostril at 8. It is 10pm now and I’ve been laying in bed listening to calming music for an hour and just sobbing so I decided to write.
I don’t want to be the hard case anymore. I don’t want to be the odd duck. I want to just be the easy case of anxiety who can take a 25mg Zoloft and be good to go. This sucks!! The dissociation is so scary and makes me so empathetic to anyone who has schizoaffetive disorder. I don’t know how anyone could take living with episodes like that regularly. What a terrible, horrible, feeling. My mind does NOT like to let go, I am learning, or to be out of control. While taking Norco in the past for pain has given me a relaxed state along with it - which I’ve been very open to my psychiatrist and pain clinic dr - were a great distraction, it is easy to see how someone could be addicted to that feeling or tolerate it easily. It is also why I’ve not wanted to ever up my dose past Norco to Percocet to even take Norco more than one day in a row. I know my body is dependent on it but I don’t want to be “addicted” because that calm feeling is definitely relaxing.
The ketamine the first time (140) gave me a relaxed feel so I’m guessing we will go back to that over a shorter duration, but it isn’t like I can live on the stuff. I was hoping it would be a handful of times tops and I’d be done. So far, while time is blurring a bit:
I got an infusion (120mg 45min w/5mg versed sedation) last week (2/11) from my old clinic
Infusions this week from the new clinic:
2/17 140 mg 45 min no sedation
2/20 200mg 60 min no sedation
2/22 180mg 90 min no sedation (tho this stretched to 2 hours because of my needing to re-ground.)
Not giving up hope. It is just a much longer journey than I had hoped and a scarier, harder, and costlier, one too which always weighs on me. I almost hate to write that because I know people are reading this and that’s not cry for help to anyone. This is just my journal. Please just let me be real. So read it and just know this is my writing everything out and leave it. Thanks. It’s all set. We’re a ok.
Nick called at 6:30 when I was home to see how I was doing. I forgot to mention that. Pretty amazing aftercare IMO. I know he’s working on changing up my care plan and while I don’t know exactly what that looks like right now, likely it will be a lower dose yet, and a 45-60 min infusion again to Target this renewed anxiety and need for control, sometime next week. I have an appt set for Thursday already. I don’t know if we will try to do one before then or not. It does help to write everything out at least.
I decided not to edit the other day’s journal and let it be as it is. I may add a disclaimer at the top that it is unedited and sounds out of it, but that’s it.
I want to sleep but my brain is afraid to.
Comments
Post a Comment
Thanks for your comment!