Everything hurts. Everything.
But I’m chalking it up to the cold. I went to the chiro this morning at 10, had a lymphatic drain massage at 12:30, am drinking all the water š, and just popped a Norco. Running a hot bath with Epsom salts. I think I am just a big ole pain wimp. My ankles hurt, my hips hurt, my ribs and shoulder blades hurt, my neck hurts, and my wrists and elbows hurt. At least no headache today, and I’m not obsessing over my dissociation experiences or upcoming ketamine tomorrow. I’m trusting the process. I’ve enjoyed the sunshine when it has been around. I’ve enjoyed a few short walks, enjoyed a TON of tea with lemon and honey, and I’ve even begun working on my Happy Camper Minivan Conversion plan. Go me!
I wrote this yesterday to a friend and to my mom:
I am doing better. Not amazing but I booked an extra therapy session that helped me work through the dissociation which was SO helpful. A is good at helping people to interpret dreams and dissociative states (this was only my 3rd appt so she’s new to me as my therapist retired, but timing is everything!) A helped me see that I really just don’t like NOT having control (duh! but I’m only just realizing this) especially when it comes to my health. I’m still feeling hopeful for treatment results.
This nasty cold doesn’t help when looking scientifically at pain etc. and seeing what is helping and not.
My therapist (A) is super supportive of Nick (ketamine infusion nurse), on everything and knows not a lot about ketamine so she is enjoying? (not the right word but hopefully close enough) following my journey. She made sure to remind me to stay the course on this as it is definitely unpacking the traumas and how now they just need to be filed away. Also I need to remember to stay on my Norco and Xanax as I was using them for a bit now (Xanax since Oct and Norco 7 years) so I don’t skew results.
I have to say, the BEST thing Nick could have said to me was, “I’m not giving up on you.” THAT was everything. This WILL work. Doctors and friends have given up on me over the years and it has caused such a huge fear of abandonment. With doctors, anxiety that will will never find relief and with friends that they will leave like old friends did or even that family would choose to give up on me. While I “know better” somewhere in me, this fear is still deep-rooted and something I need to work on along with my self-esteem. I can be a better family member and friend if I am strong myself and not constantly worrying about this. I know Who I have value in and that needs to be enough. Someday I will get there.
I wrote this yesterday to a friend and to my mom:
I am doing better. Not amazing but I booked an extra therapy session that helped me work through the dissociation which was SO helpful. A is good at helping people to interpret dreams and dissociative states (this was only my 3rd appt so she’s new to me as my therapist retired, but timing is everything!) A helped me see that I really just don’t like NOT having control (duh! but I’m only just realizing this) especially when it comes to my health. I’m still feeling hopeful for treatment results.
This nasty cold doesn’t help when looking scientifically at pain etc. and seeing what is helping and not.
My therapist (A) is super supportive of Nick (ketamine infusion nurse), on everything and knows not a lot about ketamine so she is enjoying? (not the right word but hopefully close enough) following my journey. She made sure to remind me to stay the course on this as it is definitely unpacking the traumas and how now they just need to be filed away. Also I need to remember to stay on my Norco and Xanax as I was using them for a bit now (Xanax since Oct and Norco 7 years) so I don’t skew results.
I have to say, the BEST thing Nick could have said to me was, “I’m not giving up on you.” THAT was everything. This WILL work. Doctors and friends have given up on me over the years and it has caused such a huge fear of abandonment. With doctors, anxiety that will will never find relief and with friends that they will leave like old friends did or even that family would choose to give up on me. While I “know better” somewhere in me, this fear is still deep-rooted and something I need to work on along with my self-esteem. I can be a better family member and friend if I am strong myself and not constantly worrying about this. I know Who I have value in and that needs to be enough. Someday I will get there.
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