Blogging by Dee

Today I start day one of a brand new meds (to me - it's actually not on the market anymore so it is not new to the U.S. By any means.) Depressuon meds normally take 3-6 weeks to get into one's system. I've been on next to no meds for the last few days while ramping down to get on this.  I'm scared. I'm ashamed. I cause so many people I love so much grief, every day. I'm tired. I'm overwhelmed. I have no hope this will even work. We are only trying it because there is nothing else. But today I am hoping for a miracle. I just want my brain fixed. I'd willingly cut off all my limbs to have my brain fixed. To be HAPPY, content, calm, OKAY. This is my prayer today:  Jesus Calling April 27 Come to Me  with empty hands and an open heart, ready to receive abundant blessings. I know the depth and breadth of your neediness. Your life-path has been difficult, draining you of strength. Come to Me for nurture. Let Me fill you up with My Presence: I in you, and you in...

So I've been scared to blog for a long time. I lost a very close, very beloved friend due to my negativity, or in my mind, my 2.5 year struggle with treatment-resistant depression. Meds and therapy used to always work for me. I used to see my therapist every 2-3 weeks, take my meds as prescribed, see my psychiatrist every 4-6 weeks and eventually after 9-18 or so months he meds would stop working and I'd have to go inpatient at one of the two local psych hospitals to get back on track. Work on all the coping skills, I already know, change up my meds, and get back to living again. Once I even went through a 6 week course of ECT shock therapy but unfortunately it didn't work for me - although it 95% effective for those with my diagnosis: major depressive disorder, severe, recurrent, without psychosis. In September 2012 everything changed. I suffered 3 concussions in 7 months results in a traumatic brain injury, and while I went through an extensive concussion rehab clinic for...