My therapist thinks I should start blogging again

So I've been scared to blog for a long time.

I lost a very close, very beloved friend due to my negativity, or in my mind, my 2.5 year struggle with treatment-resistant depression.

Meds and therapy used to always work for me. I used to see my therapist every 2-3 weeks, take my meds as prescribed, see my psychiatrist every 4-6 weeks and eventually after 9-18 or so months he meds would stop working and I'd have to go inpatient at one of the two local psych hospitals to get back on track. Work on all the coping skills, I already know, change up my meds, and get back to living again. Once I even went through a 6 week course of ECT shock therapy but unfortunately it didn't work for me - although it 95% effective for those with my diagnosis: major depressive disorder, severe, recurrent, without psychosis.

In September 2012 everything changed. I suffered 3 concussions in 7 months results in a traumatic brain injury, and while I went through an extensive concussion rehab clinic for balance and control of movement again, my brain was forever altered in who I am and how I am. We've only finally figured this out after these 2.5 years of trying EVERY SINGLE LAST antidepressant on the market, off-label mood stabilizers, off-label antipsychotics, off -label anti-epileptics, off-label everything.  We finally traveled all of the way to Cleveland Clinic for help.

Unfortunately, their only ideas were one of two new medications, genetic testing, and a PET scan, only down there, to check and see how much my dopamine, serotonin, and norepinephrine areas of my brain are working. Let's just say that's not a cheap scan, and no places where I live do PET scans for that reason or can read them that way. It is too new of an idea, as is the genetic testing. 

My psychiatrist is nothing short of amazing. Being that I already deal chronic pain in my neck due to two herniated, degenerated discs, and have had 4 doctors now tell me there is nothing else they can do for me, my psychiatrist has promised never to utter those horrible words.  She went out of her way to start me on one of the new medications, and order the genetic testing that my family doctor denied me saying it was too new and wouldn't help.

The genetic testing came back with amazing results. While I do not have some genetic mutations known as the MTHFR mutations, I DO have a gene that causes SSRIs to almost always cause the opposite effect that they are supposed to - which we had found out on our own through trial and error, like the smallest dose of Prozac causing me to cry uncontrollably and be constantly agitated for no reason.  We also found out I am in intermediate metabolizer meaning I metabolize medications as faster than the average person, causing me to need a higher dose of things to make them work and stay in my system long enough. Lastly, we found out that while my intelligence is of a higher-than-average person, my dopamine levels are extremely low due to a certain chromosome.  This lab in California figured all this out for a simple swab of my saliva. Wow. It is about time.

So after some time on the first new medication, we have found that although it is not an SSRI, it is made up coverup similar to their compound, and is causing the same issues. So I have to stop it. And the second brand new medication actually IS an SSRI, so we can't even try it.

Hopelessness catches up to my brain most days, and is an overwhelming sense of pain for my family, at least in my eyes, daily. I've been turned down for TMS magnetic therapy due to some doctors being far too nervous about the FDA. I've tried every single natural (and quite expensive) natural remedy throw at me by well-intending friends, and still have had no change.  I daily take a good handful of natural vitamins and oils and teas, just to do anything to make SOMETHING WORK.  I've even gone through auricular acupuncture with no positive results. My brain is just too wrecked.

Right now we are working on what I'm calling a last resort, but we've tried many things I've called that and still found something else, so I'm *trying* not to feel hopeless.  We've worked our way down until I am on the smallest dose of this brand new antidepressant that has been making things worse, and I a, about to begin on