Rough Morning

I really, really, really, am going to the gym daily for the endorphins and mental health aspect.  But honestly, I'm obese.  Tall and huge.  I've been pretty ok with that lately because I know that my thyroid is whacked, I know that my mental health is most important, and I know those who love me, love me no matter what.  But really, 10 weeks of working out and no change.  The first 3 weeks I gained 5lbs.  Then I began to go daily.  No change for another 3 weeks.  So I added weights daily, and eating healthy and watching calories to a healthy point - 1800-2000 daily for a 6 foot tall, 235lb woman.  4 weeks of doing that daily, and I still have not lost one pound.  I don't look different, I don't feel physically healthier.  My belt is occasionally one notch tighter but not always.  My mental health is maybe 20% better.  And I am in constant, CONSTANT, physical pain.  But I keep going.  5-7 days a week I do 30 min of weights and 30-50 min of walking/jogging.  I am to the point where I hardly believe I do it, knowing I'm not changing.  That's 10 weeks of hard work, less sleep, more fatigue than I already had, and trying to be positive and fight daily with the horrible thoughts (not voices) in my head.  

I am so tired.  I am so sad.  I am in so much pain mentally and physically.  I have so many worries in my head that I don't even know if I could list them all.  

I read my Bible, I pray, I beg God to help me endure this, and give me strength.  And it goes on and on and on.  One day, after I hurt my neck falling for the second time in a week, and after the paramedics being called by my neighbor the day before due to a horrible asthma attack where my oxygen was awfully low and my heart rate was scary high, I sobbed and sobbed.  My husband was out of town and the kids were at school and I screamed at God.  For the first time in my life, I sadly admit that I told Him I gave up on Him.  I've given up on me before but that was the first time on Him.  And an hour later I apologized and took it back.  But I am just so tired.  So very tired.  

This song is how I feel a lot lately.  About myself. http://youtu.be/BmErRm-vApI

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