Giving Myself Grace
This started out as a Facebook post, but I moved it to my blog because it got so long. And long Facebook posts can be annoying to some. So here is something you may or may not know about me. I hope, if you are someone who cares about me, this is something that may help you to know me better.
I'd like to share a little story with you, if I may, that may explain to you a little of what goes on in my head. It is not depressing (I hope), or sad, as I have worked to post less negative if any, on Facebook now, While I am a depressed person, I do not need to be a negative one, and do not want to be. But this great story was told to me by one of my favorite psychiatrists and storytellers, Dr. Verle Bell who is (I believe) head of psychiatry at the inpatient mental health hospital where I have stayed before. The past 3 stays, Dr. Belle has made such an impression on me with his allegories, and I have written each down because they hit home so much. But this one, this one is ME. And as I shared it with someone the other day, it was actually the doctor I was having trouble with, I realized perhaps if I shared it with more friends, who care, they may understand ME more.
So here goes, paraphrased the best I can.
There was once a child who wanted a cookie but it was almost dinner, and his mother told him, "Son, you will ruin your dinner if you eat a cookie now, so no, dinner will be ready soon, and we will have a cookie another time." But the boy really wanted the cookie and took it when his mother was not in the room.
The boy became overwhelmed with guilt, and went to his mother and cried, "Mommy, I am such a bad boy, I am so sorry. I stole a cookie, even when you told me not to, and ate it before dinner." His mother hugged him and told him, "I love you my son, but I told you not to do that and you did anyway. Go and sit in the time out spot until dinner is ready. I forgive you and I love you."
When dinner time came, the child came to his mother with tears streaming down his face and said, "Mommy, I am an awful child. I should never have taken that cookie. I know you told me not to and I did anyway. You should not let me eat dinner and send me right to bed. I am a very naughty boy." This mother was a kind, compassionate, and loving mother, who loved her son dearly. She said to him, "I love you my son, and you had your punishment and you are ok now. Please do not do that again, but it is over, come and eat our dinner with us, it is your favorite, and please know that I love you and you are ok."
Not long after dinner the boy came out of his room sobbing, saying to his mother, "Mommy, really, I am a horrible little boy. I did exactly what you told me not to do. I am going to get my pillow and blanket and sleep in the backyard, as I do not deserve to sleep in our warm house. I am a terrible person and I am so sorry." The mother wrapped her loving arms around her son and told him, "I love you! You were forgiven long ago and all is fine. I will ALWAYS love you, and although you disobeyed, you are not a bad person. You are a sweet, kind, loving, boy, I want you to sleep in your own bed in our home. You are special to me and everything is ok."
The boy went and brushed his teeth and got ready for bed, continuing to dwell on things. He went back to his mother, wracked with sobs, hardly able to breathe. He said, "Mommy, I think you need to make me leave this family. I am not worth being a part of this family. I am a horrible person and not lovable. I am evil and awful, and you need to send me away forever. I am so sorry that I disobeyed you, Mommy. I love you and I am so so sorry." At this point the mother's tears began to fall as well. She said to her son, I will ALWAYS love you, forever and more. You will ALWAYS be a part of this family and ALWAYS be my son. You can NEVER do anything that will make that change. I love you more than life itself. Please, my son, it is okay to forgive yourself."
Now that is all of the story that Dr. Bell told me. And every time he told another part of the child going back to his mother, saying worse things about himself and how horrible he was, I pointed to myself and cried, and by the end of the story was sobbing myself, saying, "That is me, that is exactly me." Sometimes it may take time if I am hurt by someone, but eventually I can understand that they are doing through their own things, and that they have reasons for what they do. I feel, although I may be wrong, I FEEL, that I have forgiven EVERYONE who has ever hurt me. And some people in my past have hurt me very badly, physically, verbally, and mentally. I am not a great person. I am far from perfect and will be the first to tell you all of that. And the truth is, I AM THAT BOY. I have tried and tried, and even believed, that sometimes I have forgiven myself for things, big things, little things, all things. But in my heart, I have no grace for myself. I believe in my faith that my God is a compassionate and loving God, and in my faith in Him as His child, He forgave me before I ever did the tiniest thing He may not like. I do not feel guilt given from my faith. I feel guilt given by ME. Or shame is what it really is. Because it is perceived guilt. I have done MANY, MANY, MANY things wrong and continue to make mistakes daily. I am a normal? mom who has yelled at my kids and screamed at my husband. But any thing I have ever done of any level of what *I* deem, not good, I CANNOT forgive myself for. I CANNOT give myself grace. I do not know how I pray that someday I do. And if you care to, I would love your prayers and thoughts that I learn this someday. Currently, I am in a constant state of remembering EVERYTHING I can think of that is wrong that I have done. Even if minor, or really not even wrong in many others' eyes. This is how I live and how I feel, ALL THE TIME. The most used words in my vocabulary are, "I'm sorry." And they are not fake, and not said without thought. They are heartfelt, and meant. And whether anyone ever forgives me for anything I may or may have not done, I have yet to forgive myself. My brain just does not understand how to give myself grace.
I'd like to share a little story with you, if I may, that may explain to you a little of what goes on in my head. It is not depressing (I hope), or sad, as I have worked to post less negative if any, on Facebook now, While I am a depressed person, I do not need to be a negative one, and do not want to be. But this great story was told to me by one of my favorite psychiatrists and storytellers, Dr. Verle Bell who is (I believe) head of psychiatry at the inpatient mental health hospital where I have stayed before. The past 3 stays, Dr. Belle has made such an impression on me with his allegories, and I have written each down because they hit home so much. But this one, this one is ME. And as I shared it with someone the other day, it was actually the doctor I was having trouble with, I realized perhaps if I shared it with more friends, who care, they may understand ME more.
So here goes, paraphrased the best I can.
There was once a child who wanted a cookie but it was almost dinner, and his mother told him, "Son, you will ruin your dinner if you eat a cookie now, so no, dinner will be ready soon, and we will have a cookie another time." But the boy really wanted the cookie and took it when his mother was not in the room.
The boy became overwhelmed with guilt, and went to his mother and cried, "Mommy, I am such a bad boy, I am so sorry. I stole a cookie, even when you told me not to, and ate it before dinner." His mother hugged him and told him, "I love you my son, but I told you not to do that and you did anyway. Go and sit in the time out spot until dinner is ready. I forgive you and I love you."
When dinner time came, the child came to his mother with tears streaming down his face and said, "Mommy, I am an awful child. I should never have taken that cookie. I know you told me not to and I did anyway. You should not let me eat dinner and send me right to bed. I am a very naughty boy." This mother was a kind, compassionate, and loving mother, who loved her son dearly. She said to him, "I love you my son, and you had your punishment and you are ok now. Please do not do that again, but it is over, come and eat our dinner with us, it is your favorite, and please know that I love you and you are ok."
Not long after dinner the boy came out of his room sobbing, saying to his mother, "Mommy, really, I am a horrible little boy. I did exactly what you told me not to do. I am going to get my pillow and blanket and sleep in the backyard, as I do not deserve to sleep in our warm house. I am a terrible person and I am so sorry." The mother wrapped her loving arms around her son and told him, "I love you! You were forgiven long ago and all is fine. I will ALWAYS love you, and although you disobeyed, you are not a bad person. You are a sweet, kind, loving, boy, I want you to sleep in your own bed in our home. You are special to me and everything is ok."
The boy went and brushed his teeth and got ready for bed, continuing to dwell on things. He went back to his mother, wracked with sobs, hardly able to breathe. He said, "Mommy, I think you need to make me leave this family. I am not worth being a part of this family. I am a horrible person and not lovable. I am evil and awful, and you need to send me away forever. I am so sorry that I disobeyed you, Mommy. I love you and I am so so sorry." At this point the mother's tears began to fall as well. She said to her son, I will ALWAYS love you, forever and more. You will ALWAYS be a part of this family and ALWAYS be my son. You can NEVER do anything that will make that change. I love you more than life itself. Please, my son, it is okay to forgive yourself."
Now that is all of the story that Dr. Bell told me. And every time he told another part of the child going back to his mother, saying worse things about himself and how horrible he was, I pointed to myself and cried, and by the end of the story was sobbing myself, saying, "That is me, that is exactly me." Sometimes it may take time if I am hurt by someone, but eventually I can understand that they are doing through their own things, and that they have reasons for what they do. I feel, although I may be wrong, I FEEL, that I have forgiven EVERYONE who has ever hurt me. And some people in my past have hurt me very badly, physically, verbally, and mentally. I am not a great person. I am far from perfect and will be the first to tell you all of that. And the truth is, I AM THAT BOY. I have tried and tried, and even believed, that sometimes I have forgiven myself for things, big things, little things, all things. But in my heart, I have no grace for myself. I believe in my faith that my God is a compassionate and loving God, and in my faith in Him as His child, He forgave me before I ever did the tiniest thing He may not like. I do not feel guilt given from my faith. I feel guilt given by ME. Or shame is what it really is. Because it is perceived guilt. I have done MANY, MANY, MANY things wrong and continue to make mistakes daily. I am a normal? mom who has yelled at my kids and screamed at my husband. But any thing I have ever done of any level of what *I* deem, not good, I CANNOT forgive myself for. I CANNOT give myself grace. I do not know how I pray that someday I do. And if you care to, I would love your prayers and thoughts that I learn this someday. Currently, I am in a constant state of remembering EVERYTHING I can think of that is wrong that I have done. Even if minor, or really not even wrong in many others' eyes. This is how I live and how I feel, ALL THE TIME. The most used words in my vocabulary are, "I'm sorry." And they are not fake, and not said without thought. They are heartfelt, and meant. And whether anyone ever forgives me for anything I may or may have not done, I have yet to forgive myself. My brain just does not understand how to give myself grace.
Thank you for sharing, I now know how to better pray for you. I will be praying that you are able to show yourself grace. Love you cousin.
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